It’s been a while since I’ve been able to post any hate mail here, but this makes up for the drought in a big way.
First up, the inestimable William Lasher, who expresses in the clearest terms (and in several successive missives through my cover submitter yesterday ) his displeasure at my having dared to criticize the cover of his book Unlawful Presence. I shall take the opportunity herewith to make my responses, such as they are.
Name: William Lasher
Comment: Hello: This has to be the most lame website I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe anyone is stupid enough to waste their time creating it.
Whoever you are, you’re a complete turkey and you can go fuck yourself with your trolling of the original Lorenzo Sperlonga artwork on my cyberpunk book,
Unlawful Presence.
FYI: Lorenzo did more covers for Heavy Metal magazine than any other artist in history.
You’re a real bottom feeding asshole and you can eat shit with your asinine website.
If you’ll look at the original post (that’s Unlawful Presence: A Killer Robot Thriller by William A. Lasher with cover art by Lorenzo Sperlonga, just to get the full Streisand Effect), you’ll note the my original comment, plus the thread beneath it, are fairly harmless as this site goes. Can you imagine how much of his shit he’d lose if he were really unloaded upon?
Name: William Lasher
Comment: You really are a fucking lowlife scumbag. Where do you live, anyway? Under a bridge in New Jersey?
Ah, yes. Because anyone who pokes low-level fun at him is obviously every human weakness rolled into one. (But New Jersey? That’s low, man.)
Name: William Lasher
Comment: Send me your name and address so I can sue you for defamation you fucking scum bubble.
Wherein Mr. William Allen Asher demonstrates he knows absolutely nothing about defamation suits. Actually, it’s worse than knowing nothing; what he thinks he knows is wrong. Honestly, does he think he can sue me for not liking his cover?
Name: William Lasher
Comment: I spent $2,000.00 hiring a world famous artist. Who in the fuck do you think you are with this pigeon-shit website shitlips?
I think I’m someone free to have an opinion. I also don’t froth at the mouth like an absolute moron when anyone’s taste or opinion differs from mine.
Name: William Lasher
Comment: You should reply to me, asshole. Your website is internet garbage and I would like to find out more about you.
Yes, I’m sure that you want to get a deeper understanding of my hopes and dreams. It feels so great to be wanted.
Name: William Lasher
Comment: You think insulting a world famous artist with your little commenter clones makes you cool or something? It makes you look like the lowlife fuck that you are. Why don’t you send me a reply, asshole.
I should point out that all of the messages so far were received in my email inbox within half an hour. Somehow, the fact that I didn’t drop everything else going on in my life to respond to a blithering idiot having an internet meltdown infuriates him all the more.
Name: William Lasher
Comment: You’re a bug splat on the internet windshield, asshole.
Your website is a bad joke. Go ahead and send me a reply, you lowlife coward.
Does this suffice, Billy? Or is a public display of your absolutely moronic tantrum more evidence of my “cowardice”?
Name: William Lasher
Comment: I got it, you’re a butt ugly green haired dyke with a snot covered nose ring. You get a thrill by degrading a world famous artist who has more money in his change jar than you’ve ever made in your pathetic life. Go ahead and send me a reply fuck face.
My lord, the (absolutely wrong) assumptions being displayed here necessitate more facepalms than I can give. And I just bet that Lorenzo Sperlonga truly appreciates having his name associated with yours.
William Lasher is showing himself to be a truly pathetic simulacrum of a functioning human being.
Name: William Lasher
Comment: Go ahead and write back fuckface. My dog’s morning crap has more intelligence.
You know, it’s not like any of these “Oh, this is what I SHOULD have said” afterthoughts really adds anything.
Would YOU trust this person to operate heavy machinery?
Name: William Lasher
Comment: Sex sells on the internet, faggot. Snarky trolling is the Texas sized pile of garbage in the middle of the Pacific. You’ll never get anywhere in life and blaming successful people for your ineptitude won’t make it better.
Go fuck yourself, moron.
Oh, so you’re “successful” now? Then why are you having such a hissy fit when some “moron” on the internet disagrees with you? Why don’t you just light another cigar from a hundred-dollar bill and forget it? In my experience, actual successful people don’t start foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog when someone doesn’t like their output.
You, William Lasher, are an insecure, bitter, smallminded man. I don’t hate you. I don’t even hold you in contempt. No, I honestly pity you. But I pity even more anyone who is forced to abide your company.
But wait, there’s more!
About two hours after Mr. William Lasher had lost the ability to type and had to resign himself to simply beating his Neanderthal brow on his keyboard, I got the following message (in triplicate, no less):
Name: Big Nig
Comment: Hey white trash mother fucker:I’m sending 3 niggers over to break your computer and stick yo fucking head in the toilet where it belongs. Fuck your racist white trash ass.
Seems like using such consistently racist language while berating me for my supposed racism doesn’t really strengthen his case, does it?
Now, the IP address isn’t the same as with Mr. Lasher’s lashings-out, but the bogus email address entered bears a certain resemblance to some of the bogus email addresses Lasher mixed in with more legitimate-looking ones. I have no conclusive proof, but it certainly seems plausible that William Lasher — who certainly looks white in his Amazon author photo — is here masquerading as a violent, racist African-American. Which certainly seems racist to me.
(Oh, and by the way, it’s “white trash gun owner” to you.)
We are commenter clones? Well, that explains why i have no navel.
Hey, speak for yourself. I’m here & I have a navel and a faded smallpox vac,
Lorenzo Sperlonga, eh? Well, that at least explains the ridiculously over-sized pontoons on the gal… I think; also the $2,000 the guy claims he paid for the artwork. I’m still standing by my claim that sex doesn’t sell as well as he thinks, though: after all, if the gal with the basketballs for breasts were helping his book to sell, one would think he’d be out enjoying all the money it’s making him rather than complaining about our making fun of it.
In fact, if it were selling better, one would think he’d be laughing and saying “Thanks for the free advertising!” There’s a kind of advertising that works that way, you know.
Is it me or are those the same pseudohumans that we discussed a few days ago, on that Daz site? The ones that obviously had a bit of time and effort put in? Are those meant to be hand-drawn, or are they pseudos? Anybody know? (Not that I’m not fascinated by the other discussion, of course….)
Well, the artist is in fact one of the illustrators for Heavy Metal as the author claims, and (according to his bio) has been since 1999. I’d say those pictures are indeed hand-drawn, especially the oil paintings the dude has made. At the same time, I can easily believe he drew the lousy cover in question: Lorenzo Sperlonga clearly subscribes to “the more buxom, the better” in all his illustrations to the point of absurdity.
Yikes. Some people need to just sit for a while by a riverside, with a hot tea or a chilled cordial, with their eyes shut, and listen to the swish of the wind and the chirruping of the birds in the trees for a bit, and take some long, deep, slow breaths.
But for any of that to take effect, they first need to be softened up with a 2×4. (Metaphorically, of course.)
I have a section of ax handle if that helps.
I myself have been readjusted, and have readjusted myself, and have benefited from the adjustiment.
Believe it, or else,.
Holy cow!
And that cover was, in fact, a terrible painting, world-famous artist or no world-famous artist.
All in one tidy bundle, we got:
– racism
– misogyny
– classism
– homophobia
– straight up lying
Sure makes me want to read this book about a sexy fembot in the racially and socioeconomically diverse city of Phoenix. He seems like a trustworthy and ethical storyteller.
Forgot your sarcasm tags?
I do that enuf for all of us.
Oh yes, I’m absolutely being snarky! I guess it’s not as obvious as I was hoping XD but there have been enough things that I’ve thought to be satire, only to find out it’s not, that I shouldn’t assume anything is obvious anymore
Shame nobody had the heart to tell him that Mr. Sperlonga was apparently phoning it in for some no-name indie self pubber.
EDIT: ASSUMING it’s even true that was Sperlonga’s work in the first place.
Myk:Well, to be fair to the complainant/author, it’s a fact that Mr. Sperlonga does seem to charge ~$2K to “buy” a drawing, presumably for exclusive use.
If you go to Sperlonga’s “Originals” page: https://www.lorenzosperlongastore.citymax.com/originals.html , right there you can see pricing in that range. Presumably, Mr. Lasher bought one of those for his cover. I’m not arguing that’s not accurate; that drawing on his cover certainly strongly resembles Sperlonga’s work. And if you like big bazooms, Sperlonga is your man, I guess.
I don’t know the man, of course (Sperlonga), but I can’t imagine that the contents of THIS page would make him very happy. It’s hard to believe that someone could become so enraged just because we didn’t like the vinyl-clad, big-bosomed “model.” I mean…jeez.
Yep, there she is; basketball-sized jubblies spilling out of the catsuit and everything with a $2,200 price tag.
So, wait–the author paid $2K for this and it’s NOT exclusive? Someone else could come along now and buy it for their cover, too? Seriously?
Makes me wonder how he reacted to his 1 and 2 star ratings. “Pssht: We have a Code Empress Theresa, I repeat, Code Empress Theresa!”
Damn, two grand for an artwork? I mean, Sperlonga it’s a good artist* but, for someone like him, the shoulder and head position is an unforgivable mistake.
*Depending on the viewer’s perspective.
Honestly, it’s these author blow-ups that are the best part of this website. I don’t always come to look at every cover you critique, but I’m always there for a good old-fashioned meltdown.