The Erect Oak

erectoak

The Erect Oak

Every time we think we’ve reached the nadir of paraphilic erotica covers… (h/t Marleen)

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Sirona
10 years ago

The oak may be erect but it’s got a mouth like a vagina.
And I think the dancer beside the tree
came out of that, um, cavity.
(Like my poetry?)

Now, the dancing babe pasted so obviously in the front? Those cannot be her legs. She’s a pseudo-human Frankenwhore. I mean, WTF is up with that forehead?

And green type on sage background. Did she think we’d be able to read that here at LBC, the Cranky Old Critics’ Home?

misterfweem
10 years ago
Reply to  Sirona

Ease off. She has Klingon ancestry, and is damn proud of it.

Sirona
10 years ago
Reply to  misterfweem

Klingon? I dunno. Looks more like Distorted Mannequinism to me. Although Klingons aren’t too discerning so any vagina in a solar storm, I suppose.

Ericb
Ericb
10 years ago

The woman in the foreground looks like she’s about to take a crap.

Kris
Kris
10 years ago
Reply to  Ericb

THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT! 😉

Axolotl
Axolotl
10 years ago

What’s she going to wipe her bum on when she’s finished? There aren’t any leaves.

Ericb
Ericb
10 years ago

You know, I was half joking yesterday but now I’m serious. The LBC website really had been an education for me. From this books webpage:

“Floraphilia- The act of sexualizing plant life or floral vegetation.
Meet Bernadine Lestrad, lonely and love sick for a certain Mighty Oak. Excited by her chance meeting with the object of her affection, will she get her ‘happy ending’ after all?”

Waffles
Waffles
10 years ago

Treant erotica?
Too late. Already did that.

DED
DED
10 years ago

Wow, Nathan. You weren’t kidding the other day.

Apparently, there’s a sexual fetish for anything.

Ericb
Ericb
10 years ago
Reply to  DED

You’re not kidding, I just checked Google found out that there is even a fire fetish. I’d imagine that could get dangerous.

James F. Brown
James F. Brown
10 years ago
Reply to  Ericb

Whoa! Singed hair you know where!

Ben Ripley
Ben Ripley
10 years ago
Reply to  James F. Brown

Gives ‘flaming loins’ a whole new meaning.

Naaman Brown
Naaman Brown
10 years ago

So when I see Nathan apply the tag “bringing sexy back” I should assume [sarcasm]bringing sexy back[/sarcasm]. Got it. I may be slow at times, but I catch up.

Viergacht
Viergacht
9 years ago
Reply to  Naaman Brown

Bringing sexy bark.

James F. Brown
James F. Brown
10 years ago

Golly! Wondering just what that chick wants The Erect Oak to do…

Ericb
Ericb
10 years ago
Reply to  James F. Brown

Sometimes a tree is just a tree …

john e. . .
10 years ago
Reply to  Ericb

Possibly, but those red things aren’t eyes. They are nipples. This is worse than Floraphilia! This is Homosexual Floraphilia!

Karl
Karl
10 years ago

I think Ms. Foreground Lady is executing the absolute worst attempt at an erotic pose in the history of the human race.

The balletic en pointe lady in the background, OTOH, isn’t half bad. Why the heck couldn’t the perpetrator of this cover have just zoomed in on her and her (presumed) snuggle-buddy tree and left it at that?

Ericb
Ericb
10 years ago
Reply to  Karl

Well, if you are about to do a tree that’s probably the pose you need to take.

Naaman Brown
Naaman Brown
10 years ago

Title in Papyrus Ital without a photobombing wolfie. Fer shame.

Bruce
Bruce
10 years ago

More proof that the adult filter on Smashwords is a very useful thing.

Take Cover
Take Cover
10 years ago

Dear God, I don’t even…

Ebony McKenna
10 years ago

In Australia, we call the beautiful act of coupling, “having a root”. Which may apply in this case.

On the other hand, when an American says, “We’re all rooting for you”, we often think, “No need for extremes.”

Naaman Brown
Naaman Brown
10 years ago

Oak? That has bugged me. I had to go to Wikipedia and look up a picture of an oak. If that is an oak tree, that must be one from Nahum Gardner’s farm, the one blighted in H.P. Lovecraft’s tale “The Colour Out of Space”. The oaks around St. Luke’s Methodist Church never looked like that mutant ent on that cover.

TakeCover
TakeCover
10 years ago
Reply to  Naaman Brown

That bugged me too. But I’m pretty sure it is in fact an oak, albeit one that’s been pollarded or, more likely, struck by lightning at least once. But that’s probably nothing compared to what the, ahem, lady on the cover has in store for him… Good luck, Woody! Close your eyes and get that xylem pumping.

OMG I just thought: what if they breed?! Won’t somebody think of the acorns!?

Naaman Brown
Naaman Brown
9 years ago
Reply to  TakeCover

I found a match for that tree. Check out stills from the 2011 movie Hollow billed as “the British Blair Witch” at IMDb. Big ugly hollow tree with a bad rep.

TakeCover
TakeCover
10 years ago

Oh what the heck. If you want to fuck an oak, go right ahead. But why did you have to pick such an ugly one?

Joe
Joe
10 years ago

Got wood?

invader
invader
10 years ago

So who used some franken twine on that tree.

Wendy Christopher
10 years ago

My brain just melted and is now pouring out of my eye sockets.

Marleen
Marleen
10 years ago

Haha, thanks for posting this. For everyone that wants to know if she gets her happy ending… http://badlitmakestheworldgoround.tumblr.com/post/95032396935/bernadines-has-always-had-a-thing-for-trees-has

Waffles
Waffles
10 years ago
Reply to  Marleen

That was High-Larious.

Bless you.

Jesse Jace
9 years ago

It’s been a few years…but I’m pretty sure that’s the Macarena she’s doing.